1.Don't accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday....
Everyone knows that veterinarians do their best work early in
the week. And no pampered pet wants their eye job or tummy
tuck done by someone who is tired and cranky.
2.Keep your leash on....
Never let your human pressure you into removing your leash until
you are good and ready.
3.If it itches, don't scratch it....
Especially avoid scratching at the opera, in a limo and while
accepting your Oscar.
4.No matter how desperate you are, don't beg....
Instead, go for the direct approach -- a cold nose against any
warm part of the human anatomy usually gets immediate attention.
5.Don't allow yourself to be dressed up....
Once you pose in clothes, it will come back to haunt you for the
rest of your life, and you will never be able to hold your head up
as you walk into a room full of your peers.
6.Stare at people until they back off....
A stare is a simple, straightforward way of letting your person
know that you know who's in charge here --- you, of course.
7.Don't expect a human to change....
Due to their inferior brain capacity, humans are only capable of
changing three things --- their minds, their underwear, and lanes
on the freeway.
8.No heavy petting....
Heavy petting increases your chances of Canine Pattern Baldness,
not to mention the fact that once you let a person pet you, he or
she will always want more, more, more!
9.Remain aloof....
Fake it if you have to.
Ifyour person attempts to suggest that you
do certain things, such as "Hop in the pet carrier," it is up to you to
remind them who actually wears the collar in your household. --- FOLLOW THIS
12-STEP PROGRAM: Step 1. Get them to admit they have a problem. Step 2.
Get them to apologize to you. Step 3. Get them to bring you gifts. Steps
4-12.
Repeat Steps 2-3.
Mind Games Maltese Play With Humans
1.After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.
This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
2.Act
like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back,
tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something
really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the
damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have
done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3.Let the humans teach you a brand new
trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to
someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea
what they're talking about.
4.Make your humans be patient. When you go
outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act
as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the
earth.
5.Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure
everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have
forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6.When out for a walk, alternate between
choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7.Make your own
rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the
humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8.Hide from your
humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead,
hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to
you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close
to tears).
9.When your human calls you to come back in, always take your
time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10.Wake up twenty
minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take
you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep.
(Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive
them nuts!)
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
Four Men Bragging
Four Men Bragging About How Smart Their Dogs Are.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-Square", do
your stuff. T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some
paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog
and said: "Slide Rule", do your stuff! Slide Rule went out into
the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them
into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog
and said: "Measure", do your stuff. Measure got up, walked
over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass
from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a
drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
The three men turned to the government worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"
The Government worker called to his dog and said: "Coffee
Break", do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the
cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper,
sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working
conditions, put in for workmen's compensation, and went home
on sick leave.
